I never thought I would go back there again.

I was standing in line at Greenz, Dallas’ upscale salad bar. I was with a vegetarian friend who had something important to show me (she appreciates my penchant for weird things). The payoff? I had to buy her one of those $9 salads.

We took a seat near a window. The rear view mirror of a Benz reflected the sunlight and I blinked my eyes to chase the spots away.

“Now, what was it you wanted to show me?”

“Mmf,” she mumbled, her mouth full of romaine lettuce and red onions. She dug through her jacket pocket and handed me a crumpled piece of paper.

—————————————————————————–
URGENT BULLETTIN

TO: ALL PETA MEBERS
RE: RECENT RUMORS OF ESPIONAGE

ATTENTION ALL PETA MEMBERS!!!

THERE HAVE BEEN RUMORS SURFACING AS OF LATE CLAIMING THAT PETA CAHPTERS AROUND THE COUNTRY HAVE BEEN INFILTRATED! IN ANALYZING THESE REPORTS, WE HAVE NOTED SOME SIMILAR CHARACATERISTICS EXHIBITED BY THOSE THOUGHT TO BE SPIES!! BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE FOLLOWING:

  • RED NOSES
  • FLOPPY SHOES
  • WHITE FACES…REALLY WHITE FACES
  • 8 OR 9 PASENGERS GETTING OUT OF A COMPACT CAR (I.E. VOLKSWAGEN BEETLES, FORD FESTIVAS, PONTIAC FIEROS, ETC.)
  • NEED TO DIVE INTO BARRELS
  • JUGGLING

SHOULD YOU SEE ANY OF THESE SIGNS EXHIBITED BY MEBERS OF PETA, YOU ARE TO REPORT THEM TO YOUR LOCAL PETA CAHPTER OFFICERS IMMEDIATELY!!!!

—————————————————————————–

“Good God,” I whispered.

“What, what is it?”

“It’s one of the signs.”

“Signs, what signs?”

“The end of life, the world, everything we know.” She was puzzled or she was trying to get a piece of a crouton from between her cheek and molar. I couldn’t tell or care, for that matter, because I was off on one of my unnecessary, long-winded diatribes.

“This is the first sign. Nostradamus predicted that there would be 40.5 signs signaling the end of the world–”

“Wait, 40.5–”

“Please!” I recollected myself, “Nostradamus predicted that a well-known political action group would be infiltrated, AND I QUOTE (I always shout that for some reason):

’2 times 20 they shall come
Reaping the harvest sown by bitter souls
Ashen faces, crimson hair
Shall bring Famine’s scythe down…’”

There was silence, then “Whoa.”

“Whoa? WHOA?!! In the end, you won’t be saying, ‘Whoa!’, you’ll be saying, ‘Holy shit, there goes the whole enchilada, Bubbo!”

^
Backstory: Circus Company Goes on Trial in Spy Suit

Only in America…